I agree with Alison here. Of course control issues are a possibility. Oooh, Ive heard of the mob museum. You are married to someone who spent three days while you were traveling for work burdening you withgroundless questions about your conduct. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. Also she is sole provider for family? Whenever we visit, we have to stay in their house, which is dirty and only has one working bathroom. Working Wife, I truly dont know what your marriage is. Conflict resolution. I went two hours to the next town over for a Christmas party, and he spent days before hand stressing about everything that could go wrong on the highway. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . Either way you are not out of line; your company is not out of line; your husband is out of line. When your income is needed, you can take fewer risks by opting out of stuff at work. Yeah, I was hoping the OPs business trip wasnt over this weekend , This post was one of my first thoughts when I heard about the shooting . Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. We walk through various casinos and gawk. Collect them from travel agents and show it to your husband, wife or partner. Hes worrying that someone might hurt her, too. Travel tip: if you go into a bar whose name would make Hooters say whoa, too obvious and use your corporate AmEx to cut lines of coke, you are probably going to run into some trouble. Los Vegas is known more for shows and EDM festivals than anything else these days. This screams abuser and it will only get worse. Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. Mmm.. He needs to manage his insecurities and not force them all on you and your career. But this doesnt seem to be important to the OP she recognizes that she should be allowed to go on business trips. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. Its like the least romantic version of the old I wore her down until she agreed to go on a date, and now weve been married for 30 years trope. You could likely even say to a bystander, hey something is weird here, and they would help you. Agreeded theres some heavy selection bias in that sample. If your husband is otherwise kind and reasonable, its important to know that this is a very unusual stance for a spouse to take, so Im glad youre taking it seriously. And Im not talking rooms in crappy parts of town. As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. Yes!! You don't have to fake excitement about every little . For another, unless the husband is a lot more clever than it seems from the letter and follow ups, a good counselor would be useful to the OP, even if it is abuse. http://www.thestranger.com/slog/2017/08/09/25333362/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-her-new-boyfriend-canceled-plans-to-see-a-friend-with-cancer. Autor de l'entrada Per ; Data de l'entrada columbia university civil engineering curriculum; hootan show biography . Anxiety is a beast, and the sooner he gets a support system and coping strategies in place for this kind of out-of-control thinking the better. Marriage counseling and perhaps some counseling for him personally. I only left the conference hotel a couple of times, always with a group, and we were in the touristy area right next to the Gaslamp district anyway. And here we are, reading a letter from a woman concerned that her career will destroy her marriage because everyone told her husband so. It made no sense. Ive never been on these more dangerous trips, though I almost had to travel to Congo last year (it ended up falling through). Hahahaha! Im pretty sure most religious counselors would see the ridiculousness of his position too. I always laugh about when I lived in the Bay Area and my mom would freak out anytime I mentioned doing something in Oaklandshe really could not understand how the city could possibly be different than the way it is portrayed in the media, and assumed I was walking into some drug/murder den on a frequent basis. Not that I am saying that the Letter Writer should invite her husband. The other possibility is that hes skewing the hell out of the question somehow to make his stance seem more reasonable, like Would you guys be okay with your spouse taking off to Vegas and drinking and partying all weekend for work? Why he wants to go alone. Congratulations, his friends are ALSO sexist and manipulative. This educational content is not medical or diagnostic advice. If you must have discussion, have them *later*, when everyone is calm. Do I refuse to go to save my marriage or go on the trip and try to keep good stance in my company? He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. In a vacation environment totally devoid of any stress, I couldn't stand to be in my husband's company. I accidentally ended up at a naked sex drug party once, quite to my own embarrassment, but that was in Akron, Ohio. Theres no scenario that she cant find a worry for. When you try to say you wont let me do something, that tells me that you think Im too incompetent to make an appropriate choice on my own, which is really disrespectful. The timelines even fit perfectly. A difficult or stressful situation with in-laws can cause undue stress and anxiety, making you feel rejected and undervalued. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. I think (I hope!) Marriage CounselingDefinitely. It might not end up factoring into your decision when your career and marriage are in the firing line, but its probably useful information for you to have. Your husband going on vacation without you is normal. let has no part of a marriage unless it deeply affects the partner and then people need to work on it together. Its like a bachelor/bachelorette people think they have a free pass because of the occasion and act way more out of line than they would at, say, a bridal shower. July 1, 2022 Posted by clients prepaid financial services derbyshire; 01 . I came home to find my SO sitting on a bench, pissed and worried thought I should have called. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? Vegas is not somewhere Id vacation, but conferences there are very smooth and convenient. That sounds more like a problem with the type of people your employer has hired, as opposed to being a problem with Vegas. I do think the OP should be cautious and watch for other signs of controlling behavior/abuse, but if this is an aberration (and she says above that it is), I dont think the what happens in Vegas is enough to shift it for me. Oh, good, dont have to worry about Massive Problem A oh hey, Medium Problem B, lets obsessively think about that for ages!. Rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms is a great big flashing warning sign that says DO NOT ASSOCIATE WITH THIS PERSON. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Hes disabled, finds it extremely difficult to cook for himself, and suffers from anxiety, and he doesnt like me going on business trips. Some people may have only a negative perception of Vegas, but the important thing is realizing that kneejerk perception is actually inaccurate. Super reasonable! You cant leave the house, there are kidnappers everywhere! I wonder if he needs help with general anxiety rather than marriage counselling. You might want to change, but also can't. If you need to go out and do things, go do those with your friends and family, or even initially-strangers via v. What if the wife had a job that required lots of travel, but paid well and allowed them to live a good lifestyle. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. Oh yeah, the concern for your safety. I didnt go on work trips while married to mine, but I remember going on a girls night out (bachelorette party, with a limo to take us places) and him being livid that I didnt call him during the evening to check in. :-). I have to comment on this one. I dont think people are misreading; I think that the phrasing is confusing but that context indicates its meaning. He chose, and I repeat chose this lifestyle. Just like someone might look for a spouse who is athletic or smart or has a certain sense of humor or earning power, it might be important that FutureSpouse has the skills to share a household with the in-laws. Not the least of which is that the people involved all made that choice for themselves there was no issues of someone letting or not. In Vegas, these things are part of the fabric of the city. I think part of this relates back to a topic thats come up here before: people who dont travel for work think its fun but the people who do travel for work spend the whole time in meetings, seminars, conferences, and never get to explore whatever city theyre in. If you refuse to go, it is very likely to cause repercussions at work. At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. Marketing aside, Vegas is just a metropolitan center, and you dont look lose your morals the second you step off the plane. I dont know about gambling but partying? These are normal things that a lot of people encounter at some point; if your relationship as it currently stands doesnt have room to address them, its past time to get some help to straighten it out. Its not about what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, its about Vegas has made themselves a very strong event destination, and that includes for regular businesses.. Its a lot different than when I first went in 1989, but even then it was quite suitable (ideal, actually) for a business conference. One learns to cope AT&T helps, also. Thats a very important distinction to make, between thing in and not in the LWs control. Im reminded of when my flying phobia was at its worst, and I was going to take a flight on Friday the 13th. Its often fine to bring spouses on work trips, but I definitely think she shouldnt bring him in this situation. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. At first I was shocked, but that was only due to the misconceptions about that place. If something was going to happen to you, it could be anywhere. Right. Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. Either hes being very careful who he asks so that hes only asking people who would agree with him, or hes converting noncommittal answers (e.g., Yeah, I can see that youre upset) into See? He is ambitious & caring.His insecurities have gotten the best of him in this situation. Say to yourself something like, I am not a therapist, and even if I were, it would be unethical and impossible for me to treat someone Im in a relationship with. Theres a lot of pressure on family to be carers and therapists and *everything* someone needs its not possible, its often harmful give yourself permission to skip that mess. It was, instead, his own insecurity and abusive tendencies. But we should really just be taking OPs word for it that the issue she outlined is the issue there is. Thanks for the partially chewed chili on my keyboard. Therapy, now, for both of you so that you can discuss this issue, and potentially solo therapy for him to address his issues. Disordered anxiety changes shape to fit inside whatever container is available, which might be infidelity or kidnapping or alien abduction. For example, phone #: 123-333-4567. Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. And my husband has two business trips of at least four days each in the next two months and Im rather thrilled. While we were there, her then-husband called and texted her literally every ten minutes. Whether its legitimate is pretty much beside the point. Dont choke or burn yourself! To me, that means childish. OP will just run herself ragged reinforcing his fears. Context does not change would into wouldnt. But Im not lazy I just love my wife and after 8 yrs of marriage Im worried shes bored with me. OPs husband doesnt seem like he would have mentioned it if it didnt support his own opinion. It also couldnt be. If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag. Youre an adult, OP! Yeah theres a mosque and an Islamic centre, but Ive been into both for visit my mosque day and the imam was happy to talk to me (a white non-religious woman) and everyone was very nice and gave us snacks, so yeah. Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. Yeah, cheating is a pretty terrible thing to accuse a partner of without any basis, and personally is an immediate dealbreaker for me. Exactly. Iam lost. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. My mouth just kept falling wider and wider open. What happens in counseling is that the controlling spouse learns new language to gaslight and manipulate their partner with, and things get worse instead of better. Leave your phone on silent. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? OP, no idea if my experience is relevant to you or not, but the relationships in which the possibility of me cheating (never in a million years) was raised were the ones in which HE was cheating. Right!? Yeah the strip can be crazy but so can Disney World. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . Thats where domestic abuse resources and charts come in. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. I see wholesome as suitable for minors and conservative folks, so yeah, sex work isnt that. But thats a separate issue. My company sent managers to Las Vegas last February for a corporate business trip for three days. Counseling is legit, or ask him to come along. I go on business trips. He easily sleeps 4 hours. I would have not reacted well to this if I were the best friend. Twenty. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. What the hell? When I lived in Tokyo, articles would occasionally pop up in the U.S. media describing a particular neighborhood as an adult playground where foreigners fell victim to crimes, and well-meaning relatives would forward them to me with a warning to stay away from here, LOL.. Im not necessarily that suspicious of the friends. On top of everything Allison said, it might work to show him how normal business travel to Las Vegas is. We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. *offers you an internet hug*. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. Its not just irrational, it doesnt even make sense from the control freak point of view. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. : Dont bring your kids to The Thunder Down Under that show doesnt have anything to do with the weather) but its pretty safe, relatively speaking. Did they make the decision she would be the primary breadwinner or is it something that came out of him losing his job or having a job that doesnt pay as much as hers? Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. I wouldnt be surprised if he straight-up made that up in order to lend credence to his argument. But I come from a history of super-controlling domestic abuse situations, so Ive seen this behavior more times than Id care to admit. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. All rights reserved. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. One day was outside. But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. My wife has these same kinds of fears during my daily commute, let alone when I travel for business. Im sorry I love my wife and Ive been to Vegas myself and my wife hasnt traveled that much. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. And to his credit, he cut it out. It was literally created by the mob and has legalized prostitution and gambling. Also, if youre like me and my Mother, your emotional reactions could spiral his emotions up, until youre making each other worse. Im being somewhat sarcastic, but maybe a tiny bit serious: I wonder if the concern about her possibly cheating is some kind of fear that the evening networking event is actually a mandatory orgy? I have some of this kind of anxiety myself and totally understand where your wife is coming from. I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. I dont know any sex workers and it certainly would not be for me, but Im not going to clutch my pearls and start labeling other people,s choices as unwholesome and I have a big eye roll for people who do. I mean seriously? Even if I didnt hear from him or vice verse, we are adults. I supervise a manager who falsified an employee write-up but I dont think she should be fired. This absolutely doesnt make the response of OPs husband right in any sense, but figuring out why they are feeling like this can be helpful and can help figure out where to go from there. He should not be demanding that you refuse to go on a business trip and unleashing all of this unfounded anxiety on you. A few weeks after I started a great job, my mother-in-law literally messaged me and my husband to ask if we were able to put food on the table and should she send us money, so I can relate. I would imagine thats what happens in Vegas for a great many solo work travelers. I can completely see how people who watched the sensational crime shows can imagine the world is terrifying, BUT its TV, *not* real life. Either way, the poster is mimicking them in an exaggerated way in order to make them appear more foolish and unreasonable than they would if portrayed accurately. But don't worry, Daisy. Exactly. Sometimes I am super jealous because he gets to go to some cool places (Tokyo, London), but I would never try to get him not to go. as an excuse for his angst. You have to go because if you refuse, that will absolutely jeopardize your standing in the company. It may not be, in this case. Seriously. (Anxiety twists everything; try not to fuel the fire.)
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