dealing with financially irresponsible family members

Invested and held in stocks it might generate $1,200 a month. In April of this year she turns 60. And no! But chose not to and now is just well, this sucks. Should a Family Member Be Your Realtor and Charge Commission? The ridiculous and unnecessary pending the goes on is sad. My father gambled his entire life. It was good up until age 13 when everything fell down the tubes with daddy going to prison (for the first time). A trust allows you more control over how and when an inheritance is distributed to a child by putting a trustee, sometimes a trusted friend or relative, in charge of managing the assets. So, she got a part time job at WALMART and promptly bought herself a Cadillac (what every Walmart cashier needs). I recently dated a guy, (we are not together now) whos son was paying his rent. I have now, feeling like I have to go back to work and support her with some money. The spending feeds it. They will be only 75 and 72 and with no savings, no income, and not mentioning by then they will require nursing care assistance, they will be imposing enormous amount of annual expenses on me. By way of an update and some free advice: Having recently been talking to a shrink, I was advised that I should be looking after myself/my husband BEFORE looking after the parents. Occasionally in this life, you actually get what you give. If I say.. yep, well you made your bed, well then Im a terrible daughter. You can love her without enabling her. Seek Financial Help and Counseling. If unwilling you know youre just wasting time, resources, and your sanity. Some parents pay for their kids schooling or basic necessities, but mine never did. The key to a good marriage is good communication, and there are few issues that rely on good communication more than money issues. I do not foresee this issue with my parents, but I do worry about my in-laws. In other words, making me realise that the future could have a different outcome. My parents were financially conservative when I knew them, but its been 10 years since we last talked (long story, but relationship was damaging to everyone). What if the child can not afford to support the parent(s)? That is why my mother is dependent on me now. The financial exploitation of older adults is also known as "financial abuse.". They handed out money to family friends at an alarming rate, and even made great new friends who would contact them seeking financial help. Butive told our kids of the situation- if i ever become that irresponsible & selfish they should push my wheelchair off a cliff. They only live in one. Its likely that they feel overwhelmed, insecure, and anxious, so tread lightly and avoid outright criticism. So, things are going great in your romantic life. You give your children large cash gifts regularly. Plus, the people Ive seen, dont ask others for food, but because we care for other people, respect their choice, we help them with food, water, and warm clothes. We have had two businesses together. Gambling is not only a way that people become financially unstable and insecure, but it's also one of the signs that someone is irresponsible and immature when it comes to finances. If I could help them I would, but how? They are in so much debt, yet they bought an 800 motorbike yesterday then ask me for 35 today because my mum needs cigs. My mother attempted having a career, working for a charity which lasted a year. I really think they could be homeless, its a HUGE comedown, but theres nothing I can do. procrastination. And I cant afford to feed her too; electric, cable, phone and heating oil are big expenses! Ur damn right! I always paid for school and other expanses myself by working. . an elder care lawyer advised her about her future $$ including what happens when she becomes unable to care for herself. She verbally abusive to the point that my brother doesnt to hear her name. My father can go drop dead in a ditch for all I care. The problem is how are they going to LIVE when they cant work anymore. My father does not return my emails, letters or phone calls and has not done so for many years. I am also very happy to hear that adults in their 20s are thinking about their retirement. Also most people just dont have an extra 1000 to kick to their parents a month. Yes. This is the classic two-way street. We are aggressively opposed to that idea because my mother is perfectly capable of earning and saving but chooses not to. Just as Tyler Perry has told parents, to put their disrespectful teenagers out of the house if they wont follow the rules and want to act grown. Well, Im getting married next year, and so far. Does the borrower need credit card relief? she needs to go down the frickin walmart get a full time job there and she wouldnt have to bum money off of people. I have not been able to hold down a relationship because the men I meet can not cope with my stressful situation. This is my situation. It can be so hard though when they are your family and you love them and dont want to see them suffer. Wonder how that will turn out. I know that the day will come where they find themselves broke and destitute as a result of their poor financial decisions (which they alone are responsible for) over the last 20+ years and will undoubtedly come knocking on my door. Does Social Media Encourage Bad Spending Habits? No unemployment, no savings, only a broken down vehicle that was sold cheap. They have always lived lavishly on moderate incomes, but now they are acting ridiculously. Then my Mom died just as we ended the first business and started the second. I an 27, make less than 30,000 aq year and newly married with a 7 week old infant-the financial burden of them is affecting my marriage.Someone please tell me Im not wrong for wanting them to contribute. I have no choice but to help her because If I say no I would feel so bad. You cant afford that! try something like, Id love to have a new car eventually! Fact is, we would have inherited his debt. I mean WTF!!! The older son worked seven years and paid nothing. Nothing to his wonderful mother who was as good and caring as they come. I believe that if children are raised properly, with respect and discipline, human nature is such that they will naturally desire to help their parents without government intrusion. They are the reason why this country is in the mess its in financially. With the combination of their high egos and prides, accustomed to carefree spending, and love to do more business, they will completely deplete their financial resources within two years. First, make them understand your situation and explain to them your own financial goals. Consult an independent financial advisor for your specific situation. , Address: PO Box 271 | Dexter, MI 48130 | USA. I see how you got there. You are an asshole for expecting your children to bank roll you so you could go on vacation or buy shit you dont need. They took care of me as a child, their parents took care of them. If you follow this strategy, youll find that your social calendar becomes more and more filled with inexpensive events. Hes already past retirement age. BTW, the irresponsible one is also physically unhealthy and the opposite is true for the responsible one. Her tree trunk never thickened to bear the winds of life. Even though my fathers parents were super responsible and never took a penny from any of their children, my father thought nothing of quitting a perfectly good job and retiring in his 50s (although he has been perfectly capable of working). I will say a not so dirty little secret is that, Americans are growing increasingly selfish than we were for generations. Its helped me tremendously to read about other peoples situations. If I just give her $ then I exacerbate her behavior. So my situation, Im 21 and have been watching my parents squander all of their resources for years. Bottom line were not MILs retirement account. Filial Obligation laws usually go beyond child for parent. He supported this woman stealing from my grandmother who is on a fixed income and lost a leg, has dimensia and cannot work. Im uncomfortable with the visit because Im living (in a free and clear home, thankfully) on lentils and oatmeal and even that is an expenditure that is too much. However, if the warning signs of financial irresponsibility already exist and mutually understood limits on your economic support dont exist youre not doing yourself or those loved ones any favors. Your money, your honey: Baby boomers are more likely to keep financial secrets. My parents moved in with me and instantly became a financial drain. Although all they can talk about is their own entitlement to healthcare. We were told growing up that we are to give her money when we stat working. I do not even see him father trying to find a job. Seems that many people are in need of it. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); var relatedSites = document.getElementById( 'footer2' ); Its not fair if a parent wont discuss their finances with you. Giving them cash is were I am really reluctant. Tell your grandparents that theyd be hurting their grandkids if they do what theyre threatening to do. But we did it. And not only that, THEY WERE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS working at minimum wage jobs the whole time!! Why people cant just work, freaking work every day like the rest of us, and take care of themselves? Older people may lament Generation X/Y, but the Me Generation couldnt have been more aptly named. I thank my mother every day for the pain she caused me because I now know, as an experienced traveller in this life journey you and I share, that I have learned my most about how to live my best from the moments, days, weeks, months, years when life tested me the most. Its not just about money its about learning a lesson. He has no debt but has very small savings outside of the business. Meh. All I can say is I would give either one of my parents (both now passed) anything in my power to give them. My older sister and I both have the same policy when it comes to dealing with family: practical - not financial - help. Im sorry but 100% of the problems theyre having is their fault and their alone. Me and my husband work very hard and save very hard, my mother has not worked in 20 years (by choice) and they pay my sisters bills (by choice). It creates a sense of confidence in you and your family members. I am in this very situation with my husbands mother. However, she has been extremely financially negligent, saved nothing and all she does is go on the computer and spend money. Could they imaging having to pay for everything in their lives without a dime of help from family? You are NOT responsible for your MIL poor choices. She just kept living the way she wanted and leaching wherever she could. If your parents were negligent in their financial decision-making and you had your own family and self to financially look after, would you still foot their bills for them? I have never asked them for anything, not even when i was a single parent who became stuck with my ex husbands debt that i didnt even know about. If I can afford it, they will have their own place so they have their dignity and privacy and maybe pay for some paid leisure here and there. Whenever I see a defensive no parent is perfect, its a red flag to me. In addition to these problems, my dad decided about 25 years ago to stop paying income taxes (easy as a sub-contractor). My wife cant stand the way she tries to get my (our) money. Give family members gift cards if you are uncomfortable with cash. I cant have her leaving with us. This seriously the polar opposite of the mom i grew up with. Theyve been Instagramming their latest exotic vacation all week. Then once you are on solid ground youll have plenty to take care of others with. Its challenging to do the right thing, when you simply cant afford it. Moms all left the das because they were working girls now. Are you really sure about that. really. It caused me to give up high heels and gloves and hair spray and learn how to ride horses, fish and become a huntress. At the end of the day, she has to want (and welcome) your help, not just your money. He has a nice home and tons of money. Just like they tell you before a flight, put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping the person next to you. Its not the law in Australia. I am a single parent who has provided for him longer than my own children and now that mine kids both out on their own, I am ready to downsize my home and get on with my life and feel stuck continuing to support him and let him live with me. Perhaps they ask for money constantly or even have a regular stipend from you. Im really sorry Im not perfect. Its not just the money (which is eroding my tiny business and only hope for my own future, and that hurts!) They eat out three times a day. i think thats where the resentment is coming from our rage should be directed at the financial elite who have overseen the destruction and mismanagement of an economy that is broken leading to a bleak future the pitch forks are well overdue. Its not the best lesson to teach them. I learned how to ski by doing a whole lot of falling down. I do all the researching to try to find her assistance HUD, food stamps. My father is self employed as a general contractor for 40yrs plus.My father is mow 70 yrs old.My mother has always worked until retiring several years ago.My father had skin cancer which turned into the loss of his neck and shoulder muscles and has kept him from using his left arm.My fathe r now has a torn shoulder rotator cuff in his other arm.My father was in business with my husband and brother until 6mos ago.My brother moved off to colorado and now me and my husband are leaving due to a very rare disease my daughtet had in houston.Well niw my father is all alone and cant work well alone and is really struggling.He c ant afford to hire help so now ge is applying at home depot on weekends and nights plus still trying to work.I am so worried.I cannot financially help.My father canmot work this much I xant leave them on the street what can I do.He will not move to houston from dallas as he is a mon paid pastor at several nursing homes and will not leave them.I almost canmot get hy myself after moving to houston.Im affraid of outcome.My mom had spent everything th we y have ever had.What xan I do to get help for them. When they were going through tough times I let them take out a car on my credit and cosigned on a loan for them because they had no credit or money to buy a car/keep their home. But, again, I say, change your focus! If they need it, then okay. Couldnt agree more! They act like they are entitled to being taken care of! I am not going to support him either. Hes a violent criminal and did me no favors. On the other hand would we let them die in the streets? Parent 2 never owned or rented their own place and has zero savings. My mom has still not gotten a visit from the oldest boys first baby. He refuses to work even though hes perfectly capable of working. Discuss your goals and create a plan to reach them together. My parents have also received several inherientces, which they blew throughagain, supporting themselves and on failed business ventures. So once again she feels as though she has a handout coming so she doesnt have to work. I refuse to care for him at any point in his life. They are 42 and443. (The Exminer News) -Every family has one. They also have the capacity to take a low-wage jobthey dont have to keep holding out for some kind of perfect job. What if it is you grandparents? Im in the EXACT same situation. Therefore, I have been working two, sometimes three, jobs at a time just make ends meet. This is actually a big concern of mine because my parents are not really budget conscious. It makes you a better person! 2. Often, children need that final push to finally get out of the nest and find their own path to financial responsibility. }; Dealing with Financially Irresponsible Family Members. He also likes to live in the best neighborhoods. Harsh but I think its the only sustainable option. She still hasnt gotten rid of it and we come back to less than 250.00 saved. They view it as a rejection and an ungrateful reaction from me. If she does what she did before and gives most of the money to her church, I am not going to support her later. But I encourage you to change your focus, which we all can just by doing it. Heres Why. Dont lend money to extended family members. Im also sure that your parents are not sitting at a table, planning to spend all their money just to make YOU miserable by taking care of them. My parents might as well be the fing children. She was a terrible mother and didnt cobtribute anything to my life, but shes helpful to some degree with my children which offsets Her living with us for free. Its just asking too much of people, especially if they also have kids. Man. My mother became literally addicted to online shopping, something she had never done before the money showed up. Have a Conversation. Children have a right to expect sound upbringing, good parents, and respect. The most lasting workplace relationships are built out of other things, like reliability and kindness and healthy candor. If it makes your family uncomfortable for them to move in, its not an option period end of discussion. Raised myself basically. WoW! Give that person some advice. Stuff it! They are pretty easy to spot. I agree- to force me to be responsible for my parents mistakes is unbelievable. Two years down the road and Im just finally digging myself out of the hole and considering my exit strategies. My husband and I started putting away $300/month for his financially strapped mothers future needs and stopped sending money to outside charities. In fact, the most damaging manifestations of . However, for the last 7 years shes been physically able to working her own, but chooses not to. They could have saved when their business was booming at one point, they could have purchased a smaller housethey could haveshould havethe list goes on and on. My parents raised me too. He is now wagering that since he has a patent and is also skilled as an artist, that he will receive some measure of income and become independent of his son. credit card debt, goin out to eat all the time. Thats terrifying, given that around 40 percent of Americans dont just have one job, they also have a side hustle or second job to make ends meet. This happens every other month when she decides to stop taking her medications properly and goes through psychosis and takes out money she doesnt have. My dad been telling all his friends that he doesnt get a dime from me and implied that Im being ungrateful. Ive found that the first time I say no is very hard, but once I say it, they may no longer expect as many yeses. My parents began spending like crazy. Otherwise, dont become a parent, its that simple. Saying no is sometimes the best help you can give someone. Sounds like you may be a dead beat. Really? People have no respect these days for the people who were just trying to do the best they could with what they had. If they disagree with any of these things or stray from the plan in the future. I hope my son helps me. Theyve been good parents, but I dont see anyway I could even help them. This is my money, I worked for it, Im just being kind to you and it is MY own personal choice to take care of you when I could have put you in one of those dreaded nursing homes. If anything, they owe me way more than I would ever owe them or be responsible for. You ended your post with cautionary statements to Baby Boomers, of which I am gladly one. as far as i know, she has nothing but a few dollars in the bank and that life insurance which may or may not benefit her down the road. When I think of the roughly $400,000 Ive paid to support her and I think about what I would have done if I could have saved that for my own retirement instead. He resisted. If you think your kids are going to be harmed emotionally or physically then dont accept her. My struggle is that one of my parents has always been stubborn about work ethic and spending habits. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your loved ones. Theres a proverb that says in times of test, family is best.. And now the arguing has commenced between me and my brothers about whos doing what, what everyone should be doing, etc. I understand the cultural implications of taking care of your elders, but this should not happen in your 20s and when they are not even 60 years old. There is so much more to this than I could possibly write here. My husbands job is very physical, and he may not be able to work it as many years as he would plan to; finding something that pays comparably would be hard.